Corn Kinda Scares Me

When exercising (99 percent of the time that means running a couple of miles), I prefer to be distracted. Otherwise, I will talk myself right out of getting a good workout. This probably isn't surprising to you, but I am easily distracted. I either listen to a wide variety of cheesy pop tunes or (if down in my basement) I will watch life enhancing television like Real Housewives of Orange County. I get so caught up in either singing along with the Bee Gees or watching Gretchen, Tamara, and Vickie bicker on Housewives, that my thirty minute run zips by very quickly.

What can I say? Sometimes it is awesome to be me.

For the past couple of months, I've taken (almost exclusively) to running outside. I still listen to my cheesy pop tunes and I really dig watching the scenery go by. Although running outside isn't without it's down side (like dead animal carcases and vultures circling over head), I find it enjoyable and on par with watching Real Housewives. 

Since I live in the country, there is little to no traffic on the roads in which I run. Seriously. During a thirty minute run I might encounter four cars. The odds of me seeing a coyote are as good as me seeing a Buick. Really. I looked it up. 

No, not really. But it sounded good.

Just look at my view when I run outside:

Gorgeous blue sky. For those of you city slickers, that is corn growing on the sides of the road. It makes for a pleasant run. Unless you are allergic to corn. Then it just might be kinda sucky. For me, it's pleasant. Good thing because this is my view for the next mile.

No cars whizzing by me. No other pedestrians getting in my way and messing with my running mojo. No kamikaze bicyclist trying to intimidate me off the road with his Schwinn. I am left alone with my hot pink iPod, rocking out to vintage tunes.

Want to see my view on the one mile back to my house? It's pretty different from the above view:

The big difference is the silver grain bin on the right at the end of the corn line. Okay. It might be more of a subtle difference that a giant one, but that grain bin is how I know I'm heading north instead of south.

Note the complete absence of vehicles. Just me and the corn. Sweating in the bright sun and humid August air. Oh, and a small piece of road kill in the middle of the road.

All alone.

Yep. Just me and the crops.

Yeah … just me.

No houses.

No people.

Nothing … just me and my hot pink iPod grooving to some early Springsteen.

You want my honest opinion? It freaks me out. Total, full on freaks me out. Look at the pictures for crying out loud! There is no one around me. Anything could happen to me and no one would know.

What if a deranged lunatic jumps out of a beat up Camry, grabs an unsuspecting me right off the road, and throws me in the trunk of the beat up Camry? There would be no witnesses.

That strikes terror in my heart. There would be no witnesses.


To be truthful, this has been bothering me for some time. I've taken to texting my husband when I leave, what time I should be back, and a brief description of what I'm wearing. The details are so, if I don't return, he would be able to give the police a general idea of what time I was abducted and what clothing I was last seen wearing.

I text my husband when I return home. He thinks I'm nuts, but I'm just trying not to be featured on any Dateline/Primetime/Unsolved Mysteries/20/20 kind of shows. I don't want to be the inspiration for any CSI: Corn Belt episodes. My husband (God love him) doesn't understand the inherent danger of running on a deserted country road.

He doesn't realize the very real possibility of a zombie leaping out of the eight foot tall corn to grab me and suck out my brain. A brain, I might add, that is already very mushy from having been watching Real Housewives and E! News for years. I think mushy brains are the favorite of zombies everywhere.

Wait … do zombies leap? I will have to google that later.

Or some psycho pervert could could slam on the brakes of his pick up truck, grab me, and force me back to his place to watch eight hours of Hee Haw every day with him and his drooling basset hound named Archie. Poor Archie was probably someone else's pet once. Most likely he was just out for a run himself when blam! Psycho pervert guy grabs him off the side of the road and forces him into a life of Hee Haw on the brown plaid davenport of his apartment.

Wait … basset hounds normally don't go out for a run, do they? I will have to google that later.

My point is this: you just don't know who you are sharing the road with, people. Even psycho perverts have to run to the grocery store for kibble for their stolen basset hounds.

All I can say is that every horror movie and scary TV show that I have ever seen goes through my mind on these runs. Can you honestly look at this photo once again and think "Oh how lovely"?

Hell no. You look at this picture and immediately think "Ohmigod! It's the 1984 Steven Spielberg/Stephen King classic 'Children of the Corn'. Run for your lives!"

In the interest of full disclosure, I've not seen all of 'Children of the Corn'. Know why? It's friggin' scary, man. And I'm just not into being scared silly.

To add to my already mounting layers of fear of running on an isolated country road full of lunatics waiting for me in corn, an old Prince classic comes on my hot pink iPod: 1999.

Oh what? Like the beginning of that song isn't scary?

Said with an obvious computer generated voice changer: Don't worry. I won't hurt you. I only want you to have some fun.

I. Wigged. Out.

That put a pep in my step and I ran my fastest mile ever back to my house. I am done running alone, save for the lunatics residing in the corn whose sole purpose is to kidnap me and make me watch 'Hee Haw' or the zombies wanting to suck out my mushy brain.

Either I need a run buddy or I need to go back to the treadmill in the basement. Don't get me wrong, the basement totally creeps me out, too. But I'm 92 percent positive that it is lunatic and zombie free. Pin It Now!