Award Winning Mashed Potatoes

A few days ago I had dinner out with a couple of friends and one friend commented on the mashed potatoes she was eating. She said they were very good.

Without even thinking about it (shocked? really? I said something without thinking? moi?), I calmly stated that I make fabulous mashed potatoes. They are (drumroll please) Award Winning Mashed Potatoes.

I've even toured the nation showing good folks how to prepare mashed potatoes.

And been on the Today show.

And gotten a medal for my efforts from the people of the great state of Idaho.

Okay. My mashed potatoes have never, ever won an award. And I've never toured the country making them. Or been honored by Idahoans. Or met Matt Lauer.

But they are good.

Know what makes them so good? Butter.

Mmm … butter.

For the love of all that is holy, don't skip the butter. Or (gasp!) use margarine.

Spuds need butter like humans need air. Like cars need gasoline. Like I need ice cream.

It's a necessity.

So is half and half.

Mmm … half and half.

For the love of all that is holy, don't use 2%. Or (gasp!) skim milk. You will regret it.

To make:

1. Pick some good lookin' russet potatoes. And by good lookin' I mean a lovely shade of brown, no mushy spots, and no wrinkles. Use one potato for each person that you will be serving.

2. Peel the potatoes until your desired level of cleanliness. Sometimes I peel off all the skin. Sometimes I feel a little dirty and I leave on most of the skin. Different strokes and all that.

3. Cut your potatoes into cubes. The size of the cube isn't as important as making sure that all the cubes are roughly the same size. The goal is to have all the cubes cook to the same level of doneness at the same time.

4. Put the kids into a pot of water. When the water returns to a boil, throw in some salt. About half a teaspoon. Know why? Salt is good to potatoes. Really. Potatoes beg for salt. It's in the Potato Constitution.

5. Let your spuds merrily boil away in the pan until they are fork tender. What's fork tender? I don't see "fork tender" on my timer setting. How many minutes is fork tender? What kind of recipe is this?

Simmer down. Fork tender isn't an exact measurement of time. Simply put, grab a fork and stab one of your spud cubes. If you get resistance, the kids need to cook a little longer. If you meet no resistance, do a short but effective happy dance 'cause your spuds are done!

6. Drain the boiling water off of your potatoes. I use a colander so I can give the spuds a couple extra shakes to really be sure the water is off of them. Water doesn't a lovely mashed potato make.

7. If you are going to hand mash the potatoes, dump them back into the pan in which they were cooked and prepare to mash. I use my stand mixer with the whisk attachment to make my potatoes, not that it whips up superior spuds but because I have zero upper body strength to mash by hand. Yes, I'm a complete lame-o, but I digress.

8. After returning the drained potatoes to the mashing spot, toss in at least one tablespoon of butter per potato. I usually use five medium russet potatoes, so I would use five tablespoons of butter. To start.

9. Mash the potatoes with the butter until you get the consistency that you like. Potatoes are a very personal thing. Some like 'em dirty and chunky. Others prefer a pure white whipped goodness.

10. Once the butter has melted and the potatoes are the consistency that you find enjoyable, toss in some half and half. I don't use much, only about a tablespoon for my five potatoes. The half and half just makes them a bit creamier. If you like you taters a bit looser, add more half and half, but be careful. You can always add more, but you can't take any out.

11. Toss in a little salt and pepper. Taste. Add more salt and pepper if necessary. Taste again. You may need more butter. Taste again. Why? Because they are awesome in their deliciousness and sometimes one taste (or two) simply is not enough.

12. Here would be an appropriate spot to place a photo of a lovely bowl of the finished mashed potatoes. Artfully lit of course. But you have me, who got distracted by the gorgeous mountain of mashed potatoes in front of her. I may have swooned a bit. And drooled. Okay. I swooned and drooled. Long story short, I forgot to take photos of the finished product.

Sorry. Sometimes my brain is fizzy and full of other stuff, like the lyrics to "Rio" by Duran Duran or or the actor's name that played Long Duck Dong in 16 Candles. Gedde Watanabe, in case you were wondering who the actor was (and I know you were).

To recap:

russet potatoes

similar sized cubes in salted, boiling water

fork tender (not a setting on your timer)

drain

return to pan

add butter (butter=love)

half and half

salt

pepper

mash

taste

adjust seasonings

taste again

swoon

serve

Let me know how it goes.

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