Warehouse Shopping Is My Calling

Earlier this week, I needed to buy pillows and bread. The best place in my town to buy pillows is the local warehouse store. A warehouse store, the kind of place where one can buy two pillows, a fifty gallon tub of nacho cheese and a twenty pound package of raspberries all for rock bottom prices.

I love stores like this. They amuse me to no end. Forrest Gump's mama had it wrong. Life isn't a box of chocolates. Life is a warehouse store and you just never know what you are going to find.

Although there are some staple items, the variety of stuff for sale is ever changing and completely random. Last month I went to the store and it was chock full of gel pens, mixed nuts and garden hoses.

This week, the gel pens and garden hoses are gone. They were replaced by bins of fuzzy blankets, heated mattress covers, and copies of Ferris Beuller's Day Off all lined up in a tidy row.

And yes. I bought all three items.

(See 'rock bottom prices' comment above in paragraph one.)

One item I opted against purchasing was this super cute pair of jeans.

See that snazzy pocket detail? Totally adorable

I really liked this pair of jeans. The more I looked, the more I liked. I found a pair in my size and started to put them in my cart, right on top of two fuzzy blankets and one heated mattress cover.

Just as I was placing the jeans in my cart, an image flashed in my brain.

An image of what these jeans would look like on me.

It wasn't pretty. These jeans don't belong on an almost forty year old, slightly doughy shortie from Indiana. Hons, my heinie wasn't made to be bedazzled.

For confirmation of this fact, I texted my life coach, Tata.

As per the norm, she put the blingy britches into perspective.

Clearly, she missed her calling as a rapper. She could have been
a female Eminem. Wait ... she could have been Feminem.

Maybe blingy pants aren't for me. I'm okay with that because there are literally truckloads of other stuff at the warehouse store, some of it dipped in awesome sauce, some of it not.

Big buckets of Breyer's All Natural ice cream? Dipped in awesome sauce.

Obviously.

Big buckets of Breyer's ice cream soothes my soul.

I spent over two hours in the store collecting items that I didn't know I needed (or even existed), so I knew the checkout total was going to be ugly.

It was.

How does one go into a story to buy pillows and bread and walk out two hours and $125 later? I don't know, but I think it's a gift.

Or maybe it's  more of a calling.


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