Ten Things I Have Learned At The Public Pool This Summer

This summer, as in summers past, my kids and I had season passes to the local pool/water park. The public pool provides lots of fun for my kids while allowing me to indulge in my need to lounge about in a fully reclined deck chair and catch up on my reading.

I'm an avid reader and, as you probably guessed, I only read those books in which there is a potential for great personal growth and a chance to better myself as a person.

Books by great motivational authors.

Like Kris Jenner.

Side note: I read 'Kris Jenner … And All Things Kardashian'. It was life changing.

The public pool doesn't simply offer a place to entertain my kids. It provides a place for me to learn and better myself as a person, no matter what I'm reading.

Ten Things I Have Learned At The Public Pool This Summer:

1.  My heinie isn't as big as I had originally thought. I know this because a solid eighty-five percent of it stays safely tucked into the bottom of my rockin' tankini from Macy's. The remaining fifteen percent pretty much does what it wants to do and I'm okay with that. If 'okay with that' now means constantly finding new ways to discretely un-wedgie myself while in full public view of (on a hot day) one point five million pool visitors.

2.  One can, in fact, have an impromptu book discussion about great literature with seven complete strangers at the pool. I learned this after hearing squeals of delight from the women sitting next to me when I whipped out my copy of 'Fifty Shades of Gray' from my Old Navy Stuff-N-Save bag a couple of weeks ago.

3.  If you carefully apply SPF White Girl on your entire body (diligently re-applying every ninety minutes) but still smell burning flesh after a few hours in the sun, you must assume it is you that is on fire. Trust me. Immediately flee to the women's locker room to inspect the damage and then drown your sorrows in some concession stand Dippin' Dots, bemoaning the fact that somehow you managed to miss the same spot on your … um … rear upper thigh … several times throughout the day.

4.  Don't plop down heavily on one end of a fully outstretched deck chair. It will cause your expensive sunglasses (Target, $12.99) that are resting comfortably on the opposite end of the chair to go flying through the air, land on the concrete and scratch the dickens out of your left lens. Picture a full blown teeter totter effect between me and my shades. Sigh. Little buggers never stood a chance.

5.  When the temperature hovers at a hundred degrees, for crying out loud put an ice pack in your lunchbox with your mayonnaise based chicken salad croissant. I don't care what you've heard, salmonella ain't pretty, folks.

6.  Underwear is not swimwear. I repeat, underwear is not swimwear. This mostly applies to men. And their tighty whiteys. Yes, it's true. I saw it more than once at the pool this summer. Sorry for the visual.

7.  Not all tankini tops are created equal. Attention bustier women: be sure to wear a supportive swim suit top. You know, in case you go screaming down the water slide with your kid and your right 'buoy' decides to make an appearance by bursting forth out of your top.

8. No. It wasn't me in #7. Seriously. I don't go screaming down the water slide because I don't like to get my hair wet. Yeah. I'm that fun mom. However, I do play catch with a spongy ball with my kids and toss the spongy ball just shy of them so they get splashed. Yeah. I'm that fun mom.

9.  If you swing by McDonald's to grab a large Diet Coke to sip while you read about how to better yourself as a human being and the machine pees a little Diet Coke down the side of your cup, the ants will find this trail of sweet nectar. Oh yes, they will. And then they will begin marching up the side of your cup in an orderly fashion, continuing their march up the outside of your straw and then back down inside your straw. 'Tis grody. I guess this phenomenon isn't strictly limited to the public pool, but I feel that it is a good Public Service Announcement and I've decided to keep it on this list.

10. When using the spray can of sunscreen on a breezy day, close your mouth. Don't open it to tell your kid you just can't believe she's taller than you are or to scream 'Ewwww!' as you notice the trail of ants climbing into your drink or to sing along with Journey and half of the pool to 'Don't Stop Believing' on the pool's sounds system. This rule should also apply when your pool neighbor is applying sunscreen to her kids. Yep. All of these examples are true stories. Pin It Now!