My New Assistant Hates Me. With A Passion.

It's been two weeks since my new iPhone arrived via UPS. For the most part, I adore this new phone. All that advanced technology crammed into one spiffy looking package just makes my heart sing. I tell you, she's amazing.

I love the voice recognition software that's built into the texter, meaning I can chat away and my phone will convert whatever I say into a typed format and text it to which ever of my friends is currently the luckiest duck. Of course, voice recognition software is what gave one of my friend herpes this summer, so I do have to be careful. Potential STD aside, I love the voice recognition stuff.

Each iPhone comes with a personal assistant (fancy that!). Her name is Siri. My husband made an instant connection with his assistant that I thought only occurred in romance novels. He thinks she's amazing and she cannot help him call someone or find someone on his contact list fast enough. They all but ogle each other with big doe eyes.

In short: he hearts her.

He asks her questions about the weather and she tells him the five day forecast. He asks me for a weather update and I glance out the window and say 'Dude. It's dark out there and I can't tell what the weather is if it's dark outside.'

He asks Siri call his mom to confirm some dinner plans and Siri instantly complies. He asks me for the same favor and I pretend to be deaf (not my proudest moment).

I was all set to love Siri on my phone just as much as my husband loves her on his, but that didn't happen. We took an immediate disliking to each other. There was no ogling with doe eyes, only glaring and giving of the ol' stink eye.

In short: I think Siri is a bitch.

I asked Siri what the weather was going to be like on Saturday and she told me that she can't answer that question right now. I said, 'Well thanks a lot, Siri'. She took offense to my tone, got downright snippy in her response and said, 'I don't appreciate your tone'.

When asked if she could call my husband, she patiently explained to me that I was my husband.

When I told her I was not my husband but myself, she argued with me, and then (quite huffily) changed my address book card to reflect that my husband is not only me but is, in fact, married to himself. Which, I might add, I'm not even sure is legal in Indiana.

I'd ask Siri if that was legal in Indiana, but she'd probably tell me I was being rude again and taking a tone with her. Which I probably am.

I gave Siri one last chance to prove useful to me. I asked her what time a pizza party that was on my calendar started. She acted as if she didn't hear me. Like I'm not hip to that move, sister. Once I had her full attention, she told me the name of no fewer than thirty-seven pizza parlors close to me. Hel-lo? So not what I wanted to know.

I've decided that Siri is just jealous and insecure around me, so I'm letting my husband have her. Intellectually I know that we don't share the same Siri, but I needed a way to fire that gal without having her go all Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction on me.

And I've decided that I'd rather have a male assistant, preferably a young, hunky male one with great abs. The only thing standing in my way of a great relationship with my new assistant (who will take no tone with me and will gladly give out the correct time for any and all pizza parties) is the fact that he needs a good name.

Something young and fresh without being creepy or sharing the same name with the sons of any of my friends.

I'm thinking Chachi. Pin It Now!