Sorry.
It was a new bra that behaved itself in the dressing room at Macy's only to become a complete and total turd when I tried to put it on yesterday.
The problem? I bought one of those bras that you can change how the straps go. You can have them be all traditional or you can cross the straps in the back in order to not have strap exposure when sporting your best Target tank top. The problem? I didn't cross the straps while in the dressing room at Macy's (just had it on with traditional strappage) and now for the life of me, I can't figure out how to get the dang thing on with the straps crossed.
I realize that statement speaks volumes about my overall intelligence, so can we just move on?
Struggling with this bra made me work up a sweat. I kid you not, I got kinda sweaty.
Is wrestling with a racer back bra my body's way of bringing to my attention the fact that I have zero upper body strength? Duh. I figured that out last week at Home Depot when I tried to lift two gallons of avocado green paint at the same time.
Pondering my situation (and taking a breather before going to Round 2 with a bra that was clearly made by the Devil himself) led me to text numerous lady friends to inquire as if they, too, had ever worked up a sweat while putting on a bra.
Side note #1: If you want to be a recipient of my slightly weird and deeply personal poll questions via text, email me your number. I'll text you when I need immediate answers to life's more puzzling questions.
Side note #2: You should be forewarned that I will, in fact, text you photos of certain articles of clothing and ask your opinion on whether or not I should purchase them. In the past, these clothing items have been leopard print stretch jeans (or as I like to call them 'Updated for the new millennium Peggy Bundy pants'), fugly hooker shoes, and a fur lined ear flap hat that makes me look like an Ewok.
I got some interesting responses.
Most notably, that putting on a sports bra is a sweat inducing activity for more than one lady out there. I did not know that. That's rather eye opening information, dontcha think? Glad I have this blog to inform you good citizens of the world of such important stuff. But that's just me doing my job here, people. I'm simply here to amuse, enlighten and misinform.
One friend (Banana) claims to not have any idea what I am talking about. Denial, plain and simple. Questions involving lady parts weird Banana out and make her highly uncomfortable. When asked 'Ever break a sweat while putting on a bra?', denial is her go-to response. But then (in a new twist) she tries to distract me. Just look:
Admittedly, I sent the text to someone I shouldn't have. Someone whose bra experience is limited to the last four years: my former A cup friend. She only got boobs after her fourth kid was born, but still. I value her opinion.
My favorite response has to be Tata's response.
For those of you not familiar, I believe 'Release the Kraken' is from the 1981 version of 'Clash of the Titans' starring a young Harry Hamlin. You guys really should brush up on your early Hamlin works.
I received the following text from my sister this morning.
Hilarious. Really.
So, to answer my own purely hypothetical question 'Ever break a sweat putting on a bra?', yes. Yes I have. Just yesterday. While I'm not proud of the fact that I broke a sweat while getting dressed, I am looking on the positive side.
At least I didn't break my arm trying to put on a bra. Pin It Now!
I once chipped a tooth while removing a broken underwire from a bra while wearing it. This either speaks volumes about our family, or there is an evil bra conspiracy at work.
ReplyDeleteI vote for an evil bra conspiracy. Ain't nuttin' wrong with our kin (said with the accent of the guy named Tickle on TLC's Moonshiners).
DeleteTo answer your question, yes. If you're talking about that new Victoria's Secret 5-way (or is it 7-way?) I can tell you it is the best invention for women since the tampon. My "girls" have never looked better. It's like I have a whole new wardrobe thanks to this contraption. So the secret to putting it on that Victoria has been keeping is as follows: 1) position the bra in front of you with the straps properly crossed (hint: the give on the straps should be considerably more than if you were wearing it the traditional way), 2) slip your head through the middle like it was a sleveless blouse with one arm hole on each side of your head, 3) put your arms through said arm holes described above before you lower down to your chest, and 4) wiggle and jiggle everything to where it needs to be and then clasp the back using the nearest prongs, the ones that provide the most give around your bustline. This, the VS lady informed me, is how you should buy all your bras, that way when they stretch out over time due to wash and wear, you can make it fit more snuggly by moving to the second and third set of prongs, rather than have no recourse if you buy it using the tighter setting and then it loses its shape and you feel like you're swimming in it. So, a 4-step process for putting on a 5-(or 7-)way bra? It's worth if if you're truly looking for a no-sweat solution and want to instill new confidence in your girls. Good luck!
ReplyDelete