Me vs the Water Softener

Today I did something that I've never done. Not once in thirty-eight years of life or in sixteen years of marriage. It wasn't that I was afraid to do this new thing. The opportunity just never arose. Until today. 


Today I bought (insert drumroll, please) … water softener salt!


You're so proud of me, arent' you? Yeah, I'm proud of me, too.


Earlier today I noticed that our water smelled kinda … funky. Generally speaking, I'm a big fan of funky. Funky music. Funky art. Funky people. I like funky. Unless it's my water we're talking about. Then funky isn't good. 


I decided that the softener was out of salt. Sadly, our basement was also out of salt and that meant a trip to the store to purchase more.


Since I've never purchased water softener salt before, I texted my husband to see which bag to buy. He texted me this:

When it was my turn at the register, I simply showed Nick the cashier the picture of what I wanted. I'm 98% sure that Nick thinks I'm either mentally or hearing impaired and that I walk around showing people pictures of what I want as a means of effective communication. I'm fine with this.


I had a shopping cart with me to wheel my bags of salt to my car. Having never before purchased salt, I had no idea that a member of the Courtesy Patrol would be assigned to carry my purchases to my car.


Josh, my Courtesy Patrol dude, was dispatched from Patrol headquarters to assist me. I purchased two fifty pound bags of salt. That's one hundred pounds for you math impaired people. Look it up. 


Josh threw both bags over his shoulder like a Continental solider and asked me to lead him to my car. 


I couldn't lead him. I was too stunned. The kid carried a hundred pounds of salt on one shoulder and it didn't even make him walk funny, all leaned over and such. Sometimes my purse is so heavy that I walk funny, all leaned over and such. 


I asked Josh if he was available to lug the salt down to my basement and refill the softener. He said no. Apparently accompanying customers to their home violates the Courtesy Patrol's code of ethics. Good to know.


Getting the fifty pound bags of salt down to the basement was kind of a puzzler. Oh sure, I could carry the things. But that's not fun. I like fun.


While discussing the salt situation on the phone with my husband, I casually mentioned that I was thinking of just shoving the bags down the stairs to the basement. I may have mentioned wanting to sit on the bags as they were careening down the stairs. I may have mentioned wanting to yell "Whee!" while sitting on one of the bags of salt as it sailed down the stairs.


He was opposed. Vehemently and vocally opposed.


Buzzkill.


After much internal debate, I decided to just carry the darn things down the stairs myself. They're only fifty pounds. Pfft. That's nothing. I've carried a fifty pound child around the freaking zoo in 1000 degree heat, for cryin' out loud.


I forgot that a fifty pound child will wrap her arms and legs around you so tightly that you can completely let go and she'll just hang there like a piece of art on the wall.


A bag of salt does no such thing. Good night, Gracie, and a barrel full of monkeys those bags are heavy.


Me       0
Softener 1


The three of us (two bags and me) arrived safely down in the basement and (using my big bulging muscles) I was able dump the salt into the softener without causing myself too much physical damage. 'Cause I'm in tip top shape and totally ripped. 


Me       1
Softener 1


The sticker inside the softener said to reset the salt level after a fill up. A different sticker told me the fill level and all I had to do was push the "salt level" button until it matched the fill level sticker inside the tank. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.


All was fine and dandy until I realized that it was dark inside the tank and I couldn't see the sticker that told me the fill level.


After thinking to myself "Geez! What a pain in the arse!", I realized that I had my cell phone with me. 


Translation: I had a flashlight.


I shined my phone down inside the tank and located the fill level sticker. 


Then I my flashlight went out.


Translation: I lost control of my phone and dropped it into the water softener.


Me       1
Softener 2


Retrieving my phone meant reaching down into the bowels of the water softener to get my beloved iPhone. 


Reach I did.


Me       2
Softener 2

The softener is currently humming along, taking all the junky stuff out of my water and behaving itself.


Me       3
Softener 2


I just love a well fought battle in which I emerge victorious. Pin It Now!