How My Grandmother Amuses Herself On An Eighty-One Degree Day

The weather on Thursday was much like the rest of this week: unbelievably beautiful. Unseasonably high temperatures, relatively low humidity, and sunshine. Lots and lots of sunshine. I sincerely hope this trend becomes permanent.

Whilst sitting outside, enjoying the lovely weather, I decided to phone my ninety-six year old Grandmother. Actually, I called her last Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Finally snagged Miss Thang at home this past Thursday afternoon. The following is a small chunk of our conversation.

Grandmother: Go.

Me: What up, homes?

Grandmother: Yo. 

Me: What chu gonna do today, thug?

Grandmother: Runnin', drinkin' and bouncin'. That's how we roll.

No. Not really. That'd be pretty funny though. Here's the real conversation.

Me: Hey! Glad I finally caught you at home!

Grandmother: Oh, I've been in and out for the last week or so. I got a lot of yard work to do, you know. Flower beds, the evergreens need trimmed, leaves raked. The list goes on and on. What are you doing today?

Me: … sitting in a lawn chair, drinking a glass of ice water and watching an acoustic guitar auction on eBay.

Grandmother: Oh come on now! That's all your doing?

Me: Yep. What are you doing?

Grandmother: Well yesterday I raked the leaves.

Me: Oh yeah? How long did that take you?

Grandmother: About an hour, hour and a half.

Me: You did that by hand? By yourself?

Grandmother (astonished): Of course by hand! How else would you do it?

Me: Well, you could always hire someone …

Grandmother: I did hire someone to pull out three dying evergreens and plant new ones in their place.

Me: Really? I'm surprised to didn't decide to pull them out yourself.

Grandmother: Well I am almost ninety-seven years old.

Me: Oh like that's ever stopped you from doing stuff like pulling up dead evergreens and planting new ones.

Grandmother: Not sure I can dig three holes. Two holes are no problem, but three? Pfft. I'm ninety-seven years old. I might keel over from a heart attack. Of course, a hole would already be dug …

Me: Ew. Hey! Guess which animal's brain most closely resembles a human's?

We concluded the conversation with Grandmother saying, 'Come over soon. We'll get a bite to eat at a nice restaurant. I got one in mind. You'll love it. You get fries, a piece of Texas Toast, and four (count 'em four) chicken fingers. All for $3.99.'

I think we all know she means Dairy Queen, which is fine with me. Any nonagenarian who rakes her own leaves and contemplates digging the holes for new evergreens deserves fries, a piece of Texas Toast, and four (count 'em four) chicken fingers. All for $3.99.

Pin It Now!