It's Only March, But I Know What I'm Getting My Grandmother For Mother's Day

My Grandmother will be ninety-eight years old this coming June. She is wonderful, unique, full of sass and I adore spending time with her. She doesn't live close to me, so I don't get to see her as often as I would like. When I can't make it over to her house for a visit, I do the next best thing: call her to chat.

Calling my Grandmother is a dicey game that depends mostly on luck simply because the woman isn't home very often. On the rare occasion that she is home (like during inclement weather), Grandmother is outside doing yard work or stealing the neighbor's produce. She refuses to subscribe to the philosophy that phones don't necessarily have cords anymore and one can, in fact, take a cordless model out into one's backyard to tend to the flowers and thereby be reachable when one's granddaughter is calling.

(It's an old argument between us and one that I will never win.)

(I'm okay with this because, at 97.5 years old, you can do or not do whatever makes your skirt fly up.)

Several times over the years, I have quite literally called my Grandmother repeatedly, for days, before she picks up the phone. She's too busy out living. Over the years I've learned a few tricks to better the odds of actually getting her on the horn, like calling before 6 a.m. (but not on a Friday) or phoning during the aforementioned inclement weather (snow or a tremendous downpour).

I love to chat with my Grandmother on the phone, mainly because I never know in which direction our conversation will go. I was not disappointed with our latest conversation.

" … Gin-nay? Is that you?" asked my Grandmother.

I replied, "Yep, it's me."

Grandmother said, "You seem surprised to hear my voice, but you called me. Why are you surprised? Who else would answer my phone?"

"I'm surprised that I was able to get a hold of you on the first try. Usually it takes me a couple of days to catch you at home," I said.

My Grandmother patiently explained to me about why she was home on a Wednesday morning. "Well, it's cold and I don't want to go outside when it's cold. I don't drive long distances anymore and I don't drive after dark … it's like being in prison. What's there to do in prison but answer the telephone when it rings?"

"You could lift weights," I offered.

My Grandmother agreed. "Yep, I could. Hey. Why don't you come over today and we'll go to the mall and look for some weights. I've been thinking about it and I'd rather have a set of free weights instead of one of those machines."

Dear God. Picture that for a moment.

Grandmother admitted to watching Bowflex infomercials while waiting for Cupcake Wars to come on the TV.

As scary as it sounds, I think I know what I'm getting her for Mother's Day this year: free weights.


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