Artsy Fartsy Part Deux

I had a recurrence of the artsy fartsy photos. You know how those fartsy things sometimes repeat on you. Don't act like that never happens to you. I should probably warn you that there are more icicles involved. I need help. Please. Professional Dr. Phil-type help. Pronto. 


But I can't help it. There's just something about icicles. I'm drawn to them like Tammy Faye Baker to mascara. Only (hopefully) with less disastrous results.

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Didn't Die Today. Life Is Good.

I went roller skating today for the first time since 1984 and I didn't die. Life is good.


There were a few moments at the beginning that were touch-and-go. And I did my fair share of careening uncontrollably around corners. Which led to flailing my arms about wildly. I like to think that I flailed about with style and panache, but I probably looked like a giant goober. Or, more accurately, like a duck trying to take flight. Duck imitation or not, roller skating is giant amounts of fun.

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Gettin' My Artsy Fartsy On

You, my faithful readers, may have noticed my lack of posts from the last several days. Fear not, for I have not deserted you nor have I run out of things to say (gasp - perish the thought!). I have turned my attention elsewhere. Hons, I've been getting my artsy fartsy on. Big time. And I like it. Buckle up and hold on 'cause I'm about to get obnoxious. Even more obnoxious than usual.

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In my head ...

In my head I'm …
… a really good singer, like Belinda Carlisle or Aretha Franklin
… really tall, like 5'3"
… so good at parallel parking that I give lessons


In my head I have …

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Fingers in My Cheeks or How Much I Wanted Dimples

I am a rather ordinary looking gal, which means that I was a rather ordinary looking kid. Except for ages twelve through sixteen (1984-88). Let's face it, no one did well during those years, but I digress. I didn't want to look ordinary anymore so I decided to take matters into my own hands and change my appearance.


There were minimal options available for a third grader to change
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Gingerbread Army Part Deux

I can't help myself. I made another gingerbread army, but this time my dough boys are edible. As in tasty. Yummy. Delicious. Load them up with icing and devour them in one sitting. 


Having learned my lesson about listening to the Village People whilst decorating a gingerbread army, (Gingerbread Army)

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Gingerbread Army

Over the past couple of weeks I have cut out over 300 gingerbread men for this year's Christmas card. Folks, that's a lot of dough boys. 

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Whoopsie of the Week: Bananas

It has been an unusually productive week for me. I've managed to incorporate quite a few major blunders into just a few short days. Yep, I'm gifted. In the interest of self preservation, I have chosen to share only the most spectacular, wonderful, spazztastic, colossal whoopsie of the week and not all 75 of boneheaded things I said or did this week. 

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Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

Thank you for allowing me to drive safely to and from my oldest cherub's school this morning as the roads were slicker than I had anticipated.

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The Duke, Jimmy Buffett, and Elmo

Did you know that there is a man in Las Vegas who specializes in John Wayne memorabilia? Knowing everything about The Duke is this man's job? As in he makes money zipping around the country telling folks if they own a gen-u-ine John Wayne hat or spur or whatever. People listen up. This is a job. You know what this means? My high school guidance counselor sucked eggs.

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((°J°))

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Soup's on!

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Small World

Today is December 7. It is Pearl Harbor Day, a "day which will live in infamy". I will not bombard you with factual information about the Japanese attack on Hawaii or the effects that attack had on our nation, but I do suggest you Google it. Instead I will tell you a story about my honeymoon. And no, it won't be a boom chicka wah wah story. Pervert.

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This amused me …

This amused me.  Look closely at the average high and low temperatures for December 6 (according to my local news station).

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The Best (Local) Christmas Parade Ever

On Sunday, the temperature reached a balmy 24 degrees. With winds. And blowing snow. It was a perfect day to sit inside by the fire and sip hot cocoa while playing Yahtzee! with your family. It was not a perfect day to sit outside and watch the local Christmas parade, which is what we did. Clearly we have lost our minds.



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What?!

I wasn't paying attention. I should have been, but I was distracted by amazon.com's Deal of the Day. I came out of my amazon.com coma when my husband said, "We've got a couple of brew masters in the making." What?! 

8.75 year old: "Isn't it great that you can trust your kids to bottle beer for you?"

Husband: "Yep."

8.75 year old: "Kids grow up so fast."

Me: What?!

Husband: "Did you taste any of that beer?"
8.75 year old: "No, but there's some on my hand."
Husband: "Just lick it off."
Me: What?!

11 year old: "This is so insanely awesome. I'm glad my homework is done."
Husband: "You're doing great. You're a natural brew master."
Me: What?!

Husband: "It's time for you to get in the shower now. Before you go, show your sister how to fill the bottles."
8.75 year old: "Sure, but I want to cap a bottle before I go."
Me:  What?!


Husband: "It takes a lot of strength to cap."
8.75 year old: "Dad, I've been working out. I've been playing 'Ninja Fruit' all night."
Me: What?!

11 year old: "Dad! Mind the beer hose!"
Husband: "Sorry, didn't mean to step on it."
Me:  What?!

Husband: "Put a cap on and gently press the lever down."
11 year old: "Got it. Now move."
Me: What?!

In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!



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Snow? Waaaahhh!

Well it had to happen sooner or later. I'd prefer later, but Mother Nature did not ask me. I awoke this morning to my husband telling me that it snowed while we slept. My immediate, gleeful response wasn't "Whoopee! Snow!", but a rather gleeful "Is school on a two hour delay? Oh wait - is it cancelled?" Sadly, no. School opened right on time. Stupid education nazis.

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WARNING: Controversial Post About the Creepy Side of Christmas

Christmas is a fantastic holiday. It's right up there on the list of All-Time Best Holidays. But Christmas has a flip side, its creepy side. I've taken it upon myself to compile a list of traditional items that adhere more to the icky side of Christmas than the fun side. Chances are that I will offend you in some way or you may take umbrage with an item or two on my list. Sorry. But it's my list of Christmas ickies and I'm sticking to it.

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Things That Flip My Picnic Table (in a good way)

Remember the theme song to the Patty Duke show? The part that says "a hot dog makes her loose control"? I've always felt that applies to me. It doesn't take much to flip my picnic table and I've had a hot dog make me loose control a time or two. Here's an incomplete list of Things That Flip My Picnic Table (in a good way) … as of today. I hope that this list is always incomplete because you never know when some new gizmo is going to come along and well, flip your picnic table.

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I love a parade!

One of my favorite holidays is Thanksgiving. It's family, food, and football. What's not to love? Unless of course, you don't like your family, eating, or futbol americano. Then, my friend, you are in for a loooooong day. 

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And the winner is ...

The weather is getting cooler here in the Midwest and the frost is on the pumpkin. It's time to start thinking about that certain special time of year again … awards season. I look forward to awards season all year - the glitz, the glamour, the unpolishedness of a live show. I love to watch awards shows from beginning to end. From the pre-show red carpet arrivals right down to the last strands of the closing song. It doesn't really matter which award is being given that night, I watch them all. Even the Country Music Awards. And I don't really like country music.

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Ode to Taco Bell

We, as a nation, owe a huge debt to Taco Bell. Quit laughing, I'm serious. Sit up straight, put your feet on the floor, and pay attention. Taco Bell is a National Treasure.



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Brief+Vague=Annoying

Abbreviations are the bane of my existence. I don't like them. Never have. You know why? Abbreviations leave too much ambiguity. They are vague in make up and leave way too much up to the discretion of the receiver. 

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The Letter O for $200

The letter o is such a simple letter. Simple shape. Just a circle. O looks exactly like the shape your mouth makes when you say it's name. O. You're doing it right now, aren't you? Go ahead. You might look like a total mo-ron, but who cares? Make an o with your mouth. It'll make you smile. O is awesome. 



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Dramatic Music App

I need a dramatic music app for my iPhone.


Think about it: you successfully back out of the garage without hitting anything (or anyone) and you get a triumphant fanfare, like the theme for the Olympics. I know, right?! Fanfare is awesome. It could go with so many different situations: successfully navigating stairs in high heels, making it to the
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Shoes

Been thinking a lot about shoes today. No real reason why. Just thinkin' about shoes.

I like shoes, not in the Carrie-Bradshaw-Sex-in-the-City way, but I like shoes. Got several pairs. No real stand out name brand hot-cha-cha-cha shoes, but several really nice pairs. I guess the Midwest isn't really into Manolos or Jimmy Choos like other parts of the country. You're more likely to see women sporting duck boots or a sturdy pair of sandals for the summer than a lovely pair of red-bottomed, peep-toed Christian Louboutin shoes. Doesn't mean Midwesterners don't enjoy a snazzy pair of kitten heels, we just aren't ga ga over them.

The flaw in the slaw with shoes is that I don't actually like wearing them. GASP!! What?! Tis true my friends. I have dozens of pair of shoes that all happily smile up at me every morning looking like they are silently wishing for me to choose them to wear today. Only I rarely do pick them to be worn. Nothing personal. I just don't like wearing shoes. Wish I did, but I don't. It's not like I have hauntingly attractive feet that I'm compelled to show off and therefore I refuse to cover my adorable tootsies up with shoes. I simply don't like wearing shoes. Guess I'm a barefoot kinda girl. Pin It Now!

The First Blog

My first blog entry … wow! Who'd have thunk it? People have been telling me for years to chronicle my (often) random, (often) sarcastic, (often) comical and (sometimes) deep thoughts. Being the courteous person I am, I completely blew them off. But a seed was planted and here I sit blogging.

It's kinda weird and uncomfortable (like the first time you put on long sleeves after a hot summer), but I kinda like it. To me, blogging is like having a one way conversation. I like having one way conversations.  Fewer arguments and less interruptions that way, but no really graceful exit when you put your foot in your mouth. And at some point I usually put my foot in my mouth. More than once.

Well here goes … I'm going to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and jump into the unknown waters of writing down my mindless musings. Hopefully the water feels fine. Pin It Now!