Dear William and Kate

Dear William and Kate,

I have news. Bad news.

I fear that the US Postal Service has done us a major injustice by not delivering my invitation to your nuptials in a timely manner. I'm 98% positive that my invitation was lost in the mail.

Now it is too late to make arrangements to attend your wedding. The flights are booked. The hotels are booked. All the good spots lining the streets are taken.

(*insert sobbing from both William and Kate)

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Wednesday Morning: In List Form

1. This morning I went to eat a donut with my oldest daughter at her school. Every year, the school hosts Donuts for Dads in November and Muffins for Moms in April. Not sure why the moms were promised a muffin and served a donut, other than the planners like the alliteration of "m"s.

2. I'm not a big donut fan. I'm a big biscuit fan.

3. I'm not a big orange juice fan. I'm a big Diet Coke fan.

4. I'm a big fan of this kid, so I ate a donut.

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Breakfast of Champions

I'm seriously considering having Peeps for breakfast.

They're in the shape of chickens … that counts as a protein, right?

Why do colored sugar covered marshmallows taunt me so?

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Meet the Eggheads

Meet the Eggheads.

They're a scuba diving family.

There's the Dad, Jacques.

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My Near Death Experience: An Update

Yesterday I told you all about my near death experience of falling down the last few stairs to my basement. To relive the horror, click here.

Today I will update you. In order of my thoughts on the subject:

1. I mowed my legs. To any firemen who may have to rescue me, today would be a good day as no leg hairs will penetrate your fire suit.

2. I have no bruises to show for my fall.

3. That fact really, really honks me off. I'd like something to show for my fall. Some kind of visual cue for people to fuss over me. And bring me covered dishes. And desserts. And to relieve me of any bathroom cleaning responsibilities.

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My Near Death Experience

I awoke earlier than usual this morning and totally without the aid of an alarm clock or sick child. At first I wasn't sure why I had awaken so early. And then it hit me. Square in the face.

The Sun.

The sunrise shines directly in through the window in my backdoor and onto my face. My sleeping face.

It's been several days since the sun has shined, so I'm not going to complain about it. Or about it waking me up early.

I woke up feeling energized and full of pep. Kinda virtuous, too. Sunshine does that to me. My increased energy, pep, and virtuousness led me to believe that I would tackle big things today.

Huge contributions to society.

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No Peaches For You!

After the horses snubbed me yesterday, I sought solace in the garden. Nothing much was going on there, except for a few new sprouts of spinach.

I chose not to photograph the new spinach. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who photographs … everything. Plus I've already blogged about the garden's dirt (and included pictures of dirt for cryin' out loud).

I don't like how that post has caused people to look at me, tap their head which is cocked to one side and ask "You doin' okay?".

Anyhoo, the garden didn't have anything happening going on, so I turned towards the trees.

Look what I found:

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New Horse on the Block

I got the news Sunday afternoon. Ty, the anti-social, carnivorous, neighbor eating horse, was leaving the pasture behind my house.

Remember him?

I'm not entirely sure why he had to leave. He was such a charming animal.

When he wasn't trying to taste me.

I'd like to introduce you to the new horse on the block, Ace.

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Squeegee Man and His Sidekick Wiper Girl

On Sunday afternoon I sent my youngest child into the basement to retrieve a stick pony (long story). She came running back up the stairs to tell me about the water all over the floor of the basement.

Sigh.

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't a large amount of water and nothing of value was ruined. That's because our basement is unfinished, meaning concrete walls and floor. But if you've ever tried to get water out of a basement, you understand my big sigh.

In short: it's a pain.

Fortunately I married someone who is part super hero. In this case, he was Squeegee Man and he came armed with a large floor squeegee. I didn't know we even had one of those babies.

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Spring Blooms and Philosophical Question

Spring has arrived here in the Midwest! Yay Spring! I've missed you so.

This week ushered in beautiful sunny skies, warmer temperatures, and greener lawns.

Greener lawns I've missed you so.

Spring is also the season in which I begin to see the fruits of my Autumn labor.

This past Autumn I, down on my hands and knees, planted dozens upon dozens of flower seeds and bulbs that would bloom in the springtime. It was intense, back breaking, knee throbbing, manual labor. I was cranky and sore for a couple of days, but the end result was worth every hour that I spent meticulously sowing these seeds.

Check out my Spring blooms. Ta da!

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You're So Pretty

About eight years ago I taught a class at the Community College. It was a basic Internet class: how to email, how to google, how to navigate the Internet. This class was almost just like every other computer class I have taught over the last fourteen years at my local Community College, except for one key difference.

I had no idea that this class was composed entirely of mental patients.

They were awesome.

And when I say that I had no idea about their mental health I mean I had them in class for four hours and had absolutely no idea. My department head had to tell me.

And a week later she did.

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Tuesday Morning

Tuesday morning did not start out well. Look. Here is the evidence.

Can't quite see the problem? Here's a closer look.

Feathers.

Fresh feathers.

You know … from a bird.

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Face Making, Twirling, and a Touch of Soccer Playing

This past Saturday a fresh season descended upon our house.

The soccer season.

I know little about soccer. Precious little. Even after watching my kids play it for the last six years.

It's a ball, a goal, and a knot of kids surrounding the ball while the parents on the sidelines yell things like "Spread out!" and "Stay in your own lane!".

These phrases are foreign to me and I know not what they mean.

To amuse myself, I took along my camera and snapped a few (131) photos.

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The 5K

Saturday marked a new era in our household.

The era of the 5K.

Let me stop the rumor that I was going to run a 5K (jiggly parts and all) before it really gets started.

My jiggle and I stayed on the sidelines with the children while my husband ran the race. It was safer that way.

Guess where the race was held?

Okay. I will give you a hint.

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Award Winning Hot Ham and Cheese Sammies

In the same vein as my Award Winning Mashed Potatoes (which is to say I made up the many awards and accolades), I present you with my recipe for Award Winning Hot Ham and Cheese Sammies!!

(insert applause)

Before I get too into posting the recipe and photos, I must confess that what I'm about to show you isn't really my Award Winning Hot Ham and Cheese Sammie recipe.

It's my Award Winning Hot Ham and Cheese Mini-Sammie recipe.

It's a scootch different than the original.

'Cause I've used small rolls instead of regular sized hamburger buns, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

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100 Years Ago

I like this photo. It was taken about a hundred years ago.

That was before cell phones, cordless phones, and rotary phones (kinda).

Before iPods, Walkmans, and regular radio broadcasts.

Before MRIs, penicillin, and even Band-Aids.

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Why the Discovery Channel Will Never Come to My House

Monday night I was making dinner. It was a new recipe that called for canned salmon. I've never used canned salmon, but I like salmon fillets so I thought I'd give canned salmon a whirl.

I'm so culinarily adventurous.

What I didn't know then was that canned salmon contained bones. Many bones. And vertebrae. An entire spine of vertebrae. Or two. Apparently I uncovered a very rare double-spined salmon.

Which caused my mind to wonder if we should eat the salmon or save it for scientific studies.

Then I wondered when the Discovery Channel camera crews would arrive, begging me to let them make a documentary on the rare double-spined salmon and the hauntingly attractive non-jiggly 38 year old Midwestern hottie that found it.

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March Madness in April and Jersey Numbers

The NCAA basketball Championship game was on tv last night. I felt compelled to watch the game even though Bravo was showing an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County.

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to watch the game. It's not like I have a burning desire to watch basketball. Or any sports for that matter.

Maybe it's my roots - I'm a Hoosier and basketball is kinda what we do.

You might not know this about me, but I'm not really much of an athlete. Except on roller skates, of course. But even I played on a basketball team as a kid.

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You Know What's Odd?

I've taken a lot of pictures with my new camera since I received it in December.

With my trusty Nikon, I've taken some cool landscape pictures.

I've taken some weird photos.

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My Deepest Regret for March 2011

I've been having a hard time thinking of things to blog about this week. My kids are on Spring Break and the constant interruptions might have something to do with my writer's block.

But I think it goes deeper than interruptions.

I think it goes back to the Lego convention.

I'm obsessed with an object I should have purchased, but didn't. I decided to save the five bucks instead. It wasn't something I needed. I just wanted it.

Badly.

So I put it back on the rack to save some cash.

Five dollars.

Cinco dolar americano.

A Lincoln.

Curses!

Oh sure, I could just go online and buy the darn thing, but I'd have to pay shipping and I hate paying for shipping. It goes against my strict code of ethics.

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