Why the Discovery Channel Will Never Come to My House

Monday night I was making dinner. It was a new recipe that called for canned salmon. I've never used canned salmon, but I like salmon fillets so I thought I'd give canned salmon a whirl.

I'm so culinarily adventurous.

What I didn't know then was that canned salmon contained bones. Many bones. And vertebrae. An entire spine of vertebrae. Or two. Apparently I uncovered a very rare double-spined salmon.

Which caused my mind to wonder if we should eat the salmon or save it for scientific studies.

Then I wondered when the Discovery Channel camera crews would arrive, begging me to let them make a documentary on the rare double-spined salmon and the hauntingly attractive non-jiggly 38 year old Midwestern hottie that found it.

Then I figured it wasn't a rare and illusive double-spined salmon at all.

It was just two salmon shoved into one can.

Reality can be such a buzzkill.

I found the vertebrae about the same time I caught a great big whiff of fish smell. It wasn't the usual good smelling fish funk, but the bad fish funk. The kind that makes your insides turn to liquid and start seeking the quickest way out of your body.

My stomach instantly rebelled and hurled it's contents into the nearest trash can.

The contents of the can of salmon immediately went down the garbage disposal.

My stomach settled down and I regained my cool.

Okay.

Cool might be too strong a word to describe myself. How about "I regained my composure after heaving my guts out in the trash can"?

Then I started to wonder.

If preparing a meal makes you physically ill, what does eating that meal do to you?

Kill you?

How would the newspaper incorporate your demise into your obituary?

"She died at home of bad canned salmon"?

Or worse.

"She expired at her residence after ingesting a rare and illusive double-spined salmon that had already commenced spoiling. Now the world will never know much about the rare and illusive double-spined salmon because this nutjob fed it to her family before the Discovery Channel could get a film crew out there"?

How embarrassing.

Still wondering,

-j

P.S. We had baked potato soup that night for dinner.

P.P.S. With cheese and bacon.

P.P.P.S. It was good.

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