I Don't Hate Horses ...

This morning it was snowing. Snowing those giant, white, gentle snowflakes that I kinda (in the most minimal way ever) like. Because you know how much I don't like winter, including snow.

I decided to amuse myself by photographing the horses living in my backyard. Interesting choice, considering that I'm not a winter fan, nor am I really a horse fan. 

Oh, stop! Don't write me letters. I didn't say I hated horses, I'm just not a big fan. I'm not afraid of horses. I don't think they are going to eat me or come at me wielding an axe or anything. I'm merely apprehensive around them. My apprehension stems (of course) from an incident.

Picture it: Fall 1978. It was a crisp Fall afternoon at my Aunt and Uncle's horse barn. I was six and my sister was eight. I had a cute little Dorothy Hamill/Toni Tennille/bowl hair cut and was rocking some Nikes with a blue swoop. 

My sister was dying to ride a horse. Seriously. She would have given up her best pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans to ride a horse. In a heartbeat.

She finally wore my Aunt down and got permission to ride a horse. My Aunt decided that if my sister was going to ride a horse, I should, too. 

Up until that point, I was ambivalent on the whole horse issue. I knew girls that were plumb horse crazy, wearing t-shirts with "I heart horses" emblazoned on the front and charm necklaces with seventeen different horse charms. I didn't understand their love for equines, but I didn't judge them. I simply didn't share their passion, groovy charms or not.

Forgoing an actual saddle on the horse, whom I believe to be the largest horse ever in the whole entire world, my Aunt threw a blanket over the horse's back and plopped my sister and I on top of the blanket. I'm not kidding, we were probably eighty feet in the air. There were clouds between my feet and the ground, man. Clouds.

Things went well for a while. Until the blanket started to slide to one side. We stayed on. The blanket slid a little more. We stayed on. The blanket decided that it was set forth upon a predetermined path to slide down the side of the horse and fall to the ground. With me and my sister still sitting on it. We were helpless to stop it.

As if in slow motion, my sister and I slowly slid sideways down the horse before falling eighty feet to the ground. I hit the ground hard and in a bizarre one-two punch, my sister landed right on top of me. 

I had the breath knocked right out of me. Which was good because when I was pulled to my feet by my Aunt, I noticed that I had landed in a giant pile of fresh manure. As in steaming poo. 

In my near brush with death, I had neglected to notice that my landing (although hard) was more cushiony than it should have been. The landing mat was provided seconds before my fall by the largest horse ever in the whole entire world. It was smelly. But cushiony.

I would never be the same.

I would forever associate equines with falling off a horse, landing in poop, and having my sister land on top of me. She bounced right up, but I laid there for several seconds in poop. Gasping for air to fill my depleted lungs and dying of embarrassment at the same time.

I don't hate horses. But I am apprehensive around them. That's why this morning's excursion to photograph a couple of horses is completely out of character for yours truly.

Huuulllloooo there, woman with a camera! Don't I look positively regal in this pose? I would never let a blanket slide off my back with you on it.

I might 'cause I don't really like people. (I just made that up. I have no idea if he/she likes people. He/She is new to the backyard and his/her personality hasn't really come through yet.)

Huuuuulllloooo again. Remember me? I like to be the center of attention and have my picture taken. Mind if I get a little closer?

I won't eat you. Or come at you wielding an axe. I might come at you with something else though.

Look closely in the lower left corner of the picture. See that tongue? Right after I snapped this photo that tongue got me. Right in my mouth.


I don't hate horses. I'm just apprehensive around them. Pin It Now!